Is this a proper/acceptable petrarchan(italian) sonnet?

Is this a proper/acceptable petrarchan(italian) sonnet?

Postby karlitis » April 15th, 1971, 3:03 am

Is this a proper/acceptable petrarchan sonnet? If not, how can I improve it?

When you returned the roses bloomed
The birds sang and the sun shined
Darkness vanished from my mind
Gone was it forever with the gloom.
For, alone with you an a crowded room
With your loving hands, your eyes so kind,
Your hair of silk, your lips of wine,
When we kiss I hear doves croon.
Finally, gone is the sorrow
The nights spent alone, the nights so cold
Unclear distinction of lies and of truths
Now soundly sleeping, awaiting the morrow
Night spent dreaming of love in satiny folds
Now in my dreams I never lose you.
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Is this a proper/acceptable petrarchan(italian) sonnet?

Postby coe » February 27th, 1995, 7:37 am

It's a good love poem, convincing if a little reliant on clichés.
However, it's far from a Petrarchan sonnet, for a number of reasons.
(1) There should be ten syllables to each line, not a random number between seven and eleven.
(2) Either rhyme exactly or use slant rhymes - don't mix the two for no apparent reason. "truths" doesn't rhyme with "you", and "bloomed" doesn't rhyme with "room" or "croon".
(3) "Shined" is incorrect English: it should be "shone".
I suggest you either work on what you've got to produce a technically better sonnet, or go for a looser structure, keeping your better lines.
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Is this a proper/acceptable petrarchan(italian) sonnet?

Postby kendall » March 4th, 2014, 11:05 am

Is this a proper/acceptable petrarchan sonnet? If not, how can I improve it?

When you returned the roses bloomed
The birds sang and the sun shined
Darkness vanished from my mind
Gone was it forever with the gloom.
For, alone with you an a crowded room
With your loving hands, your eyes so kind,
Your hair of silk, your lips of wine,
When we kiss I hear doves croon.
Finally, gone is the sorrow
The nights spent alone, the nights so cold
Unclear distinction of lies and of truths
Now soundly sleeping, awaiting the morrow
Night spent dreaming of love in satiny folds
Now in my dreams I never lose you.
User avatar
kendall
 
Posts: 22
Joined: December 22nd, 2012, 4:08 pm


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