Would u like to read "Remake" ( Its a story i came up with)?

Would u like to read "Remake" ( Its a story i came up with)?

Postby marwin » March 3rd, 2014, 5:49 am

Looking outside of the window, I can see everything. The trees, the sky. It wasn't hard to see. But mistakes happen, and my father made a huge one. One huge enough to destroy him. There he lays, on his back. Slowly dying. It's painful to see, yet I'm still standing here, watching.
I don't want to cry, but i do. My brother Hec, short for Hector, is too. My mother and little sis, did not want to come. Sis's name is Jewelsy, Jewles for short. Jewels is 5, I'm 16, and Hec is 27. Hector is married, his wife's name is Sunny. My names is Orchid. I'm the only one in my family who goes to school. But that is all anybody but my best friends knows about me.
And that's all they need to know.Around here information is deadly and powerful. Then as if he could hear my thoughts, he died. And I'm taken away from my father forever. Hector takes me hunting, but i only catch a rabbit, and we head home. Mom and Jewels are alseep, so it's about ten.
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Would u like to read "Remake" ( Its a story i came up with)?

Postby barram » March 3rd, 2014, 5:50 am

Remember that you don't need to spurt out every bit of detail in the first few paragraphs - we don't need to know the ages, names, nicknames and so on. We never learn the exact ages of most characters in novels, so if it isn't necessary don't put it in.

I also agree with the first answerer. Your general grammar and spelling does need improving, but that is not unusual in new writers still finding their feet. Just practise, keep asking for help wherever you can get it and you will get there.

Just remember to not info-dump (don't tell us everything in one paragraph, especially if it can be revealed through conversations and so on), take care with spelling, and remember to keep on topic. Don't drift off to tell us nicknames if they aren't relevant to that scene.
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