Would this make for a great Children's story?

Would this make for a great Children's story?

Postby habib » November 15th, 2011, 8:42 am

Chapter One: The Box in The Floor

Thomas stopped his humming, and his lips popped open like a clam does when it dies so that the pipe he’d been enjoying for the last few minutes fell into his lap, still smoking hot.

With his gaze fixed down the left side of his porch, he squeezed the arms of his lawn chair while he leaned crosswise in it. “Judas Priest!” he breathed before swallowing a pool of the bitterest saliva. His upper body quivered like an old lady trying to climb stairs, as he slowly pushed himself up out of the chair. Once on his feet he started backing up towards the open door behind him with uneven steps, regularly feeling for it with his hands.

He couldn’t believe his eyes which looked like shooter marbles sticking out the way they were. Did he really see a flock of ravens, fly down from the cloud covered sky, and become tall masked cloaked figures two houses down the street, in front of Mr. Hummelstoke's yard?

He couldn’t help wondering at that moment if he hadn’t mistaken something else for tobacco when he was making his pipe; something funny that messes with the brain.

Right after watching the last raven twist, bend and stretch its form to the point that it could no longer be called a bird he darted indoors, and made jolly sure that he bolted the door behind him. He hurriedly bolted the back door as well, which also happened to be the kitchen door.

Before exiting the kitchen he grabbed an ax from a small cabinet and rushed off with it to the living room. By now he was very sweaty and hot and all his senses were keener. He put the axe down on top of the fireplace where even now a fire stirred and then shoved a big square table away from the center of the room to reveal a door in the floor.

The door which was actually more of a wooden lid as it had no handle or grips or a jamb was fixed hard-and-fast by a row of nails all along its edges. Whatever it was that Thomas had been burying in his living room floor he was most eager to get it out now.

He restrained himself for a few minutes while he hurried to the back of the room towards the only window and ripped a small gab between the curtains covering it. Because the window faced Mr. Hummelstoke’s house he was able to see the figures through the gab he’d ripped, and was rather relieved to note that they were still dilly-dallying in front of Mr. Hummelstoke’s yard; in reality they’d hardly moved an inch.
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Would this make for a great Children's story?

Postby baily » November 15th, 2011, 8:46 am

Hi :)

For a child's story? Sorry, no.

The words you use are too descriptive and dense for a child. For an adults book I'd have no problems with it.
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Would this make for a great Children's story?

Postby rainier » November 15th, 2011, 8:56 am

The word "great" applies in no way to this excerpt.
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Would this make for a great Children's story?

Postby gaynor » November 15th, 2011, 8:58 am

Great? No. It didn't hold my attention for more than a few paragraphs.
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