My husband says new house or divorce?

My husband says new house or divorce?

Postby con71 » March 16th, 2014, 11:13 pm

Your husband has no power to make you sell the house, and the judge won't order it sold because it's not marital property. Since you can afford to buy him out that's what you'll do. What's wrong is that you are making this about a house and not about an abusive husband. Give him the divorce, keep the house, and find a nice guy to be with, not a childish self-centered jerk.
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My husband says new house or divorce?

Postby cyneleah » March 16th, 2014, 11:25 pm

Next time he threatens divorce, tell him to go for it basically. If your marriage means so little to him that he will divorce you because you don't want to move for very reasonable and smart reasons, well then you deserve better anyway. You are not being selfish. You are being realistic and financially smart.
The house thing is a smaller problem than the kids. If you really want children and he refuses, thats a pretty big deal breaker. That is more of a reason for divorce on your part than you not wanting a new house. This guy sounds like a jerk.
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My husband says new house or divorce?

Postby paxton » March 16th, 2014, 11:27 pm

I would leave. He wants out of the relationship - he's just using this as a buffer for it. He knows you won't sell so it gives him an easy reason to get out. If it's not the house, it'll be something else later on. You already said he has threatened leaving you before - let him take his antics somewhere else. If you want to save the marriage, perhaps you could try marriage counseling. If that doesn't work out, you can find someone else who'd be willing to raise a family with you and would treat you right.
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My husband says new house or divorce?

Postby ewald » March 16th, 2014, 11:35 pm

Honestly I have seen his type, he is compulsive and he will continue to waste your money forever.

People who come from dysfunction can become violent quickly so you need to be very careful with him.

My advice is to let him leave you but act / pretend like its the end of the world for you, it will be satisfying to him to see you upset over him, if you show him that you are not upset, he may continue to mess with you in greater ways to get a response out of you.

Just get out and get out quick, or be submissive and follow him about, there is no gray here.
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My husband says new house or divorce?

Postby theodorus99 » March 16th, 2014, 11:41 pm

Honestly I have seen his type, he is compulsive and he will continue to waste your money forever.

People who come from dysfunction can become violent quickly so you need to be very careful with him.

My advice is to let him leave you but act / pretend like its the end of the world for you, it will be satisfying to him to see you upset over him, if you show him that you are not upset, he may continue to mess with you in greater ways to get a response out of you.

Just get out and get out quick, or be submissive and follow him about, there is no gray here.
so does he plan to buy the new house and kick you out when he isn't happy again?

UGH - he needs to see a counselor

Tell him you are sorry he feels this way and that you care about how he feels but he is being unlrealistic. He is sick and tired of your dad making the repairs on the home. What will change in the new house, that needs repairs? He has already admitted he knows nothing. He will resent the home when dad comes in to the rescue again . . .not solve any of his unhappy problems.

Fix up a house of your own together? He has done NOTHING to pove this is possible. HE has threatened you that he will FORCE you to sell the house - I think not - you said you can buy him out ... and he knows it - he also knows you won't be able to afford the new house on your own so you will be stuck -

it sounds to me like your hubby is very unhappy in life and has no direction to help him fix his anger . . .a new car, nope, a new house, YES -thats it (NOT)

two people in love can be happy - anywhere together - as long as they are together . . .

PS I moved when I was having issues with my ex - trust me, nothing changed, I couldn't afford the house payment by myself . . .I should have seen the signs
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My husband says new house or divorce?

Postby torran73 » March 16th, 2014, 11:44 pm

Why do you put up with this and let another person control you like this? You don't have to do anything he says. If he wants a divorce, do it, you're not missing out on anything by staying with him. Do what's right and everything will work out.
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My husband says new house or divorce?

Postby brooke » March 16th, 2014, 11:48 pm

You really really really need to get rid of this guy, your 40 so what there are people out in the world who are 60 and having kids. If you move to the new house I suspect as one of the other people did he wants the equity from the house.

DO NOT SELL this guy CLEARLY is NOT WORTH IT.

MOVE ON!!!!!!
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My husband says new house or divorce?

Postby luciano76 » March 16th, 2014, 11:55 pm

He must seem to think that his problems and I stress his problems will disappear if you move home. They wont, they will still be there and he needs to be told to address these like an adult. How dare he throw a chair, what if it hit you or caused damage. If I were you and im being deadly serious I would be the one giving him an ultimatum, either get some help for his anger issues or ship out. As for being too old at 40 to have a child, that is nonsense and if you want to be a mother you really need to be doing this to a real child and not some overgrown baby, good luck
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My husband says new house or divorce?

Postby wyne » March 17th, 2014, 12:01 am

I would choose divorce.
The way you make him to be sounds like he needs a reality check. I don't think I can put up with someone with anger issues and just because he grew up in a dysfunctional family doesnt give him the right to treat like this, he seriously needs to see a therapist. I rather not spend money on something I already have.
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My husband says new house or divorce?

Postby gofried34 » March 17th, 2014, 12:06 am

lets start at the tail end, the kids. You got married to him at 35ish yes? 4 years - now 40. Did the subject of children not come up before? "Recently I told him some of my dreams, to have a child or if I can't ...." RECENTLY? This wasn't a dream you felt important enough to broach at 35 knowing your time was limited? Sorry, but I'm 100% with him here. You did have the last 4 years together, and on this one it sounds like you are the one who is getting angry because he isnt' instantly jumping to your whim. And it is a whim if it took more than 4 years of being with him before mentioning it.

To the house momentarily - everyone who talks about the house not being a part of marital assets has no idea what they are talking about. Barring a prenuptial contract, divorce is a 50/50 split of total assets and debts the day of filing. You could have had $20 million in a savings account the day you got married and him having $20 million in debts, and in divorce you'd just end up with $10 million cash + $10 million debts each.

On the house as well "This house, I could afford to buy him out and pay it on my own if I need to." but then you crazily say "I don't think we can afford any more on a mortgage payment". Well, if you have enough in assets to pay out half the value of the home, and pay enough more on the mortgage to cover it yourself, then by very definition you can afford a larger mortgage payment. Thats just math, sorry.
Ok, so finally to the buying the new house. I think you may have your husband pegged wrong on this, but it doesn't mean the way he is going about it is necessarily right (nor does it make you right either tho). You seem to apply the painful upbringing he had as the reason for his anger, but miss applying it as part of the reason he wants the new house. Like you've mentioned, you had this house before your husband, and it is your father who has done the renovation. I'm sure your husband first mentioned (you aren't clear on timing) buying a new house that the two of you plan together and choose customizations together, and then when you weren't interested began talking about renovating one together. This does tie in to the children aspect as well. He came from that dysfunctional environment you mention and is looking for something to be a stronger tie with you. I'm sure that disagreements similar to the car happen on other things, (hopefully to a more limited extent). So the new house would be a something that is special, between you and him only.

Soooooo. Probably you both are being unrealistic. I'm not sure about anything in your upbringing as you don't mention it, but gut feel is that your father was a blue collar worker with a less than steady income and so your family went through waves of close to or into poverty, and the way you manage money today is based on that. You are definitely being unrealistic in the child area if you had not brought this up repeatedly earlier in the relationship. Also, to be really clear, your odds of finding a man (after divorcing, then starting dating again) who would be supportive of that is slightly worse than the odds of winning the lottery. Particularly if you seem in a relationship to want to be extra tight on spending, what man is going to be all that interested in sacrificing his own income at the time of peak earnings through when he is going to retire for a child that isn't his own? Not many at all, particularly not in a newly started relationship. And it does seem like he was open earlier on in the relationship to having had one, but isn't any longer due to age and maybe financial reasons too.

But your husband at the very least is wrong about the way he is going about the idea of a new house. He does need to work harder with you, and be more honest with himself as well as you as to why he wants one.

But in some ways you are being selfish and wrong on the house and part of it VERY specifically is "leave MY house". it isn't "our" house, its "my" house, and that is why its an isue with your husband.

You have to ask yourself whether you are creating some of the pain points in your relationship yourself over money management. If that is the case, then you need to decide whether you'd rather have control of your money, or have your husband. And it is a choice only you can make, I would definitely not fault someone in their 40s for choosing financial security over a not so strong relationship. The house is so tied to the money management that what you should do about it is an entirely separate question. If you decide to stay, then lay out your financial reasons for not wanting to buy another house, and let him show his financial reasoning as to how it does make sense, and go from there.
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