Can you review this thing for my Creative Writing class?

Can you review this thing for my Creative Writing class?

Postby illias » October 9th, 2012, 8:59 pm

We had to write about a relationship of some sort. I just finshed editing it and I wanted to see what other poeple thought about it.

“Buy me something!” shouted Raymond.

Mitchell groaned. Normally, he loved children. Normally. Their quiet laughs and huge, wondrous smiles could strike happiness into even the most ignorant and stereotypical old man who yells “get off my lawn!” to every kid he see.s But that was before they turned four.

“I told for the last time, Raymond,” he muttered under his breath, “We came to the store to pick up a few things for your mom, not to go on a huge shopping spree for you. Now relax while I pay.”

The only reason Mitchell married Joel was for the sex and only for the sex. He didn’t apply for the job of a care worker for her ex-husband’s son, but she appointed him to that position early on in their marriage.

“I’m going to need you to take Raymond to daycare. And to the grocery store. And to the playground. And everywhere else on Earth.”

He looked at Raymond, who looked more like someone who just witnessed their parents being shot to death and thrown into a nearby river than a regular four year old. Mitchell tried looking away in an attempt to keep him quiet, but the large, magnetic pull projected from Raymond’s eyes kept him from doing so.

“I want something and I want something now!” demanded Raymond so the whole store could hear.

Now people were staring, and when people started staring it became get-the-hell-out-of-there-as-fast-as-you… time. Mitchell tugged on Raymond’s arm, and pulled him along with the carriage out of the store.

By the time Mitchell arrived at the car, Raymond was in full out bear mode and was delivering soft slaps to Mitchell’s face. He ignored the slaps, but clenched his fist and bit on his lower lip.

(italics) Just relax, Mitchell. I know you want to break his neck, cut his arm off, and enjoy his painful screams of agony, but that isn’t what the responsible parent does. Don’t ruin the chance of getting ****** (fcked) a million times by Joel just because you “accidentally” killed a deranged preschooler, Mitchell thought to himself. (Italics end)

But trying to hold back the urge of dumping every single swear word he ever knew onto Raymond’s filthy little mop head was almost like a monkey holding back the urge to eat a banana. It’s just too powerful. Though his mind told him not to, his gut gave him the go. And like everyone says, always listen to your gut.

“Listen to me you ungrateful, spoiled, irritating piece of ****, you don’t ever put your hands on an-”

Mitchell looked around to see the whole parking lot staring at him like he had a pimple on his face that was pumping out puss. People sitting in their cars, walking in and out of the store, regular pedestrians. Just everyone. He looked back at Raymond whose jaw was lower than his chin and his eyes opened as wide as they could. Mitchell scratched his head.

“Don’t tell your mother.”
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illias
 
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Joined: November 5th, 2011, 6:54 pm

Can you review this thing for my Creative Writing class?

Postby nisien19 » October 9th, 2012, 9:06 pm

ha ha, this was funny, you have a very good story telling talent. What I would have put as he got so angry that he shouted...you made the whole thing so descriptive that you almost felt you were there if not you were Mitchell.

You should post your story at OnParables.com where there are other authors like you as well. You could get better feedback, but also I think more readability in the right crowd.

Best !
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Can you review this thing for my Creative Writing class?

Postby jonas23 » October 9th, 2012, 9:08 pm

Love this! I saw very little mistakes, but I think the swearing is a little...un called for? Per se? Anyway, happy writing!

Mine please? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Akm7mzSQ8I6K31UUuVyP9OLty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20120930140211AA5KaYC
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